THIS MAY NOT BE A TEST. DON'T TEST US.

Here's a little bit of what can happen at the Vancouver International Airport:

Get drunk on two gigantic glasses of Stella within 45 minutes at the Milestone's. Proceed to go outside, find a corner and smoke a joint followed by a quick cigarette to mask the smell of weed. Then you quickly go to the washroom before heading through the security check at Gate C. When taking off your belt to put in the scanner tray (because you know it will go off when you walk through the detector) be careful not to drop your new belt clip watch under the inspector's desk. This will have the security people looking at you funny to begin with. Of course, that could be the rapidly red eyes too. Once you've got on all fours to pick up the watch, be sure you also have the back of it that fell off too, this way you won't have to ask someone to get it for you after the scenario described below.

Once your pockets are emtpy you can go through the detectors easy enough and then be pulled over to empty your entire bag because you "... have a pen knife in your bag." Drunk, stoned or just plain sober this has got to make you laugh out loud. Now, when the security person is going through your bag you may not want to give them a hand for they will tell you they can handle their jobs. Once everything is out and no knife has been found you may start to get a bit testy as your running late your flight; you had to get that beer and weed in you. Then, they may bring in a new person to look through your stuff.

At this point it may not be a good idea to tell the security person that you even shaved that day so you wouldn't look like a terrorist. The agent will tell you it's not a great idea to even say that word in an airport; she may as well have added, "... when you're drunk and high." Then, feel free to say, "I don't really care; I'll go anywhere they want to take me" or something to that affect. After another run of your loose items through the scanner they will allow you go as the "knife" must have been something else, such as an extra toothbrush head for your new electronic toothbrush.

Now you hurriedly repack your entire bag and hear a page for you stating, "This is the last call for [you]. Please proceed immediately to gate C42." You walk briskly just imagining what everyone will be thinking as you walk on the plane smelling of beer and what not. Even the man taking tickets at the plane door will make a crack (smiling) about finishing that last beer at the bar; he's obviously been there. As you walk on the fully boarded plane you will likely bump nearly every passenger up to your row 16 with your large bag as you pass them. You have to focus and pretend none of it happened; so don't bother saying sorry, it would take too long. Then, you may have your headphone wires caught up in your bag and start muttering, "Unbelievable."

However, it was all too real.

But, then, you get to share a cab home with a tall attractive blonde girl that just started outside sales with McCain's, they of the ultra Canadian lame ass television commercials. Of course, you don't have any cards on you so you tell her to be at the Stars concert February 4 if she likes to have fun. She exits the cab and you have a sneaking suspicion you will never see her again. But, you never know, because she keeps in touch with decent music through her brother.